Roadmap to the city of TannisYou know exactly where you want to be, you just aren’t sure how to get there. What you need is a roadmap. Now don’t be naive, only an idiot would believe someone who told them you could get a roadmap down at the corner QuickieMart. No, I’m sorry, it’s going to take a bit more effort than that.

First, you’ll need to find yourself a Headpiece to the Staff of Ra. You might check with my neighbor, Mr. Ravenwood, he’s an occult collector and has headpieces and such laying all over his apartment. If he’s not around check with his daughter Marion, she likes to flaunt the bling and usually wears one around her neck.

After you secure the headpiece, you’ll need to construct a staff and attach the headpiece to it. Now, as you are well aware, Staff of Ra’s generally run about six kaddams in length. You can pick up this garden variety staff in the archeology section of Wal-Mart. But if you really want a good roadmap, you’ll probably want to go ahead and give back one kaddam to honor the Hebrew God whose roadmap this is. Got it?

Great! You’re almost there. Next, book a flight to the City of Tanis, somewhere in Egypt and visit the Well of the Souls. They’ve got a quaint little maproom where you get to watch a laser light show, and at the end receive your roadmap. Yes, the adventure might sound a bit treacherous, but if it was easy, everyone would be doing it, now wouldn’t they?

The good news is, the headpiece, the staff AND the trip to Tanis are business expenses that you can write off. While you’re there, why not bring home an Ark of the Covenant? They’re fun for the whole family!