I solemnly swear that I am up to no good!
Even the most naturally talented wizards and the brightest witches of their age must follow a strict set of prescribed procedures to get their spells to work properly. These processes can include the correct flick of the wand, the correct pronunciation of the spell and three signatures from a supervisor, a member of the Change Control Committee and an affected end-user, with duplicates made and filed with the manager on duty.
Let’s say, Mr. Potter, that there’s a boggart occupying the soda machine when you get back from your staff meeting. What would you do? If you said you’d imagine the boggart was your project manager being fed to a pack of hungry dragons, then you’d wave your wand and speak the word “Riddikulus!”, you would be completely wrong. Ten points from Gryffindor.
No, the laughter and incantation are only the last steps of the processes to get rid of the boggart. First, you must notify Office Services of the boggart, since they stock all of the soda machines and may have added the boggart as a low-calorie substitute. Next you must wait thirty days for Office Services to respond in writing. After they inform you that boggarts in the soda machine is a hardware problem, you’ll need to call in the Help Desk and put in a service ticket to Infrastructure. Infrastructure will pass the ticket on to Application Support saying that the soda machine still works, so it must be a software problem. Application Support will close the ticket, claiming that the boggart is from an unauthorized vendor and is unsupported.
At this point you may try to get authorization to remove the boggart yourself. Create a proposal for the Apparition Working Team including a two hour PowerPoint presentation and cost-estimates from loss of revenue at the soda machine. Include lots of metrics, or your case is hopeless. You may be called upon to give further analysis over the next six months as the Working Team reviews the case and forms a Special Sub-Committee on Boggarts comprising Knowledge Experts from the field. You will need to show that soda and coffee are synergistic if used at different hours of the day. If your boggart-removing project is approved, it will be assigned a Project Manager who will oversee the project budget and timeline.
The PM will form a project team that will meet once a week to give status updates. For the first couple of months you will be planning the project, designing a roadmap and defining the requirements. The PM will delegate action items to document the current usability of the soda machine, the boggart and the removal process. You will need to have an appropriate number of test cases ready for the Quality Assurance team so that they can monitor the spell as it is cast and test the soda machine after the boggart is removed. The PM will check to make sure the project is in strict compliance with Human Services policies and the governance model pertaining to boggarts.
A second soda machine will need to be purchased as a contingency for failover while a mini-fridge is appropriated to provide a level of redundancy while the boggart-infested soda machine is decommissioned. You might even have team members bring in personal coolers to ensure availability of caffeine at peak hours. This will give the PM exposure to the VPs for thinking outside the box and being customer centric.
Finally, it is time for go-live. It will be necessary for three witches or wizards to collaborate with the wand ensure no spell malfunctions occur as you facilitate the removal of the boggart. Now, time for everyone to think of the PM being fed to hungry dragons, and, one, two, three… “Riddikulus!”. Everyone okay? Good. Test the soda machine by inserting your coins and checking the deliverables. Can you drink it? Good. Don’t forget to have Corporate Communications post the announcement of the boggart-free sodas in the break room and have Office Services increase the price of the sodas by 200% to offset the project’s budget.
If you can solemnly swear that you have followed all of the processes then your team is sure to win the House Cup. If not… there’s always Phase Two.